Well hello… it’s been a while!
I love that I start these blogs conversationally, when I know that I’m really chatting to myself.
But I guess I’m communicating with some other parts of myself… My beloved menagerie of little bastards. My lizard, my monkey and of course my big black dog.
Just to clarify, on the off chance that any soul ever comes across this and thinks ” does she own some weird pets?” No, these are what I call my states of mind, my emotions, my inner self. So the lizard is my fear (the ancient fight or flight part of the brain). The monkey is my mamlian brain, the bit thats responsible for my guilt, ignorance, petulance and general cockery! And these two have an amazing talent for summoning my dog, my old companion depression.
So, I’ve been struggling. A wobble here and there to start, leading to some really difficult days.
If you’ve read some of the other post, you’ll know how I feel about autumn. Especially sodding September!
But as well as the time of year, some new wonderful feelings have bubbled up to the surface to coax my animals out from their dens.
So it’s not just the time of year that’s ‘hurting’ me at the moment. But also the time of life. The slow realisation that I’m entering my ‘later years’ has awakened the lizard and chimp big style. And they’ve magicked up the canine.
I’m 47. And I’m starting to feel the physical and emotional effects of that. In short I think I’m at the very beginning of my menopause. Oh the joy!
Now it’s not like I didn’t know this was coming. As women we get used to these bodily changes, these corporial phases and movements. It’s been creeping up for a year or two. I’m so tired, my sleep patterns have altered, my memory is shot. And my body is changing. It hurts… a lot! My knees, back, hip joints… they’re all pretty creaky.
But the biggest thing that’s changed is my weight loss. Or rather, lack of it. My diet is ok. Not too dissimilar to how it was 10 years ago. But losing weight has become elusive. And the determination to commit to a diet has dwindled. I’m putting on belly fat and feeling pretty het-up about it.
Two things you can’t change… your age and the weather!
On top of all this I’ve started to have sudden surges of feeling things I’ve never felt before. I’m scared of getting old! I’ve always been an “Ahh fuck it, your as old as the man you feel” kinda gal. But I’ve had to confront some new realizations. “How quickly am I going to physically deteriorate over the next few years?” “How do I appear attractive if I’m fat and wrinkly?” “Will I lose my edge?” “What is my worth going to be as a childless 50 something year old woman?”
I won’t lie… this shit is making me a bit (lot) panicked! I feel a undercurrent of disqueit and ebbing of confidence these last few months. BUT, I have to address these things, face them. There ain’t no fighting getting old and I can’t run and hide from it.
So how am I going to pick these worries and fears apart, dissect and examine them. And come to terms with the answers?
First step is this I guess. Admitting it here… to myself, and any other poor sod who’s reads this far.
Then there’s the talking I’ve done with the better half. If sobbing in the car outside Morrissons counts as talking. But opening up about feeling old, overweight and slightly out of control did help clarify my mind a little bit. And cleared my sinuses at the same time!
And then there’s my investment into some hypnotherapy. Now this is new territory for me. But I figured I had to get a bit of help.
Originally my intention was to go to get help with weight loss. But after a couple of sessions I can see that I’m going to be reaching out for help with other things too. This issue of self image, my tendency to not have an off switch for drinking as well as eating, my incredibly thin skin and my reticence to ask for help.
My therapist has already clocked some of these and I’m sure we’ll be looking at them. It’s early doors. But at least I feel like I’m doing something.
She’s also identified and called out my monkey! Yep she saw him… aparently all have one. And she’s helping me make friends with him instead of fighting him at every turn.
This is part of the problem. My monkey (mamilian part of the brain) gets very confused when I think “I want that cupcake” so he’s all like “have the cupcake… you said you want it and you need to eat to store energy for running away from woolly mammoths” so then when I berate myself for eating the fucking cupcake… he becomes confused, angry, guilty and upset.
Please stick with me… This is all in my own brain. I’m basically at war with myself. That’s why we sometimes feel like we have a devil on our shoulder. Or we say we’ve thought with our heart rather than our head. My decision making, evolved part of the brain is fighting with the more ancient mamilian part… And it’s exhausting. And I’m loosing.
So if I make friends with Mr monkey and get a better line of communication there, maybe I’ll get som control back, feel more at peace. And hopefully I’ll draw him away from his buddy the lizard (my really ancient part of the brain that drives the stress centre). And if he’s not such great pals with old scaly, maybe they won’t have such powers to magic up the black dog.
I’m off now to have a little session with my hypnotherapist to see if I can calm the menagerie.
I’ll keep you posted!
Ooh. And if you want to read a truly good blog about perimenopause, read this. It’s a brilliant fucking truth slap!
And if you wanna know a bit more about how the brain works… this rocks!